When I say “noodles,” I am not, of course, referring to actual pasta. Although I have written several narratives about the epic wars between linguini and angel hair, this is not one of those. Here, when I refer to “noodles,” I am talking about that magnificent organ cocooned inside your skull that does kind of resemble spooled pasta and yet remains very, very different from the delicious and tremendously popular dish that is Italian in origin.
The brain.
In general, I like to think of myself as being a reasonably intelligent person and someone who knows how to exercise self control in all areas. (Except for food. Because food is different.)
When my filter wasn’t working, I badgered my parents until they downloaded a new one. When I decided to stop reading secular literature, I moved my books to another room in the house and didn’t touch them again. Throughout my school years, homework and studying was the first thing on the agenda.
I exercise self control. Again and again and again.
It’s actually something I’m quite proud of, the way that I can take control of my own life and fight my personal wars to ensure that I remain physically and emotionally healthy. (Again, barring the food addiction. Because food is different.)
But there’s a chink in my armor.
It’s kind of like in those video games or other such things you play on those childish devices known as the Game boy, DS, or 3DS. (What, me? I never did that. Heaven forbid you suggest such a thing! I’m an adult.)
In some of these games, where you’ve got to either beat things up, catch them, or kill them, the game will often give you a list of the thing’s strengths and weaknesses so you can figure out the best way to complete the aforementioned beating/catching/killing.
If you would meet me in one of these games that I personally have never played (adult, remember?), my list would look something like this:
Strengths: Smart, beautiful, witty, funny, sweet, kind, compassionate, talented, disciplined, generous, and otherwise perfect.
Weaknesses: Noodles.
Ah, you ask, isn’t there a contradiction there? You’re smart, but you don’t have noodles?
I have the noodles, I say. I just can’t fight there.
I can install a filter, pack the books away, and do my homework as soon as I get home. Those are external battles, where I need to do something physically and then retain that self control.
I can do that.
It’s in the noodles where stuff gets tricky.
You know that moment when an image pops into your mind and you cannot get it out, no matter what you do? How about when you want something, something you shouldn’t want, but can’t stop yourself from wanting it?
Oh, you think. That.
Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.
That’s what I mean by the battle of the noodles.
And it’s one battle I can’t seem to win.
When I get an image in my head, it will not come out. No matter what. I can beg, plead, try “thinking of something else,” and use countless other supposedly fail-proof methods, but the image will not budge. When I want something, no matter how much I tell myself, “You don’t really want that,” I will still want it.
I’ve got some faulty noodles in that skull of mine.
And it’s really pretty irritating, you know? Because I’ve had my filter fail more times than I can count, and I’ve always gotten up and fixed it. I’ve lost more external battles than I’ve eaten chocolate chip cookies (trust me, the number is high), but I’ve always won the war.
This is one war I can’t seem to win.
I guess it’s because external battles aren’t ongoing. You only have to fix the filter once and then self control isn’t necessary (at least, not until it breaks again). You only have to move the books out of your sight once, and then they’re out of sight, out of mind.
But thoughts are always at hand. That’s one thing I’ve learned.
They creep up at the oddest times, during a beautiful simcha or while I’m trying to fall asleep. They appear during breakfast, lunch, supper, and my many, many snacks. They don’t like to take a day off, those thoughts of mine.
So it’s an ongoing battle, and one that’s tough to win. In fact, I haven’t won very many yet. That’s why I don’t put that on my resume under the “skills and abilities” section.
I’m going to finish up now.
I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, “She can’t finish yet! This is a spiritual blog! She’s got to end with some motivation, inspiration, practical advice, and a happily ever after from her own personal life. Otherwise, it isn’t a blog post!”
Yeah, well, I’m not feeling very motivated or inspired right now.
Now, that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up.
I’m still going to fight the battles, going to fight the good fight. Sure, I might lose every battle in the beginning but, with Hashem’s help, the number of casualties will go down until I only lose here or there.
I’m going to fight some battles, and I’m going to win the war.
The War of the Noodles. That’s what I’ll call it.